On Tuesday, I drove by a sign for a 5K race this weekend. It was Strides for Autism and I suddenly felt a desire to do this. Now, I am not a runner. I have only ever participated in a 5K anything before and both times were several years ago when we lived in Alamo. And I walked both of those. I have never even been to a 5K outside of Alamo and had no clue what I was in for! But, I felt it was a good cause and I have been wanting to learn how to run and eventually, I would really like to run a marathon. Anyone who knows me, though, would know that this is so far out of my comfort zone, it isn't even funny! I am 100 pounds overweight and have spent most of my life making excuses for why I can't run.
So, I went online, paid the money and committed to go. I went alone, because truthfully, I didn't want anyone I knew to see me make a fool of myself! I arrived about 10 minutes before the race was to start. It was so cold. I think the high today is supposed to be 50, but at 8:55 in the morning, with a bit of a breeze, I doubt it was even 40 yet! I felt intimidated. Most of the people there were real runners! They did have a 1 mile fun run/walk and I seriously contemplated switching which category I was going to participate in. But something within me, decided to press forward and at least do my best to fake it! I mean, I can run, I chase Sam almost daily, so even if I just ran and walked, I could at least make an attempt to appear to know what I was doing. My only fear was coming in last, but I figured with all the people there, surely some would be on the slower end, like me.
The music was blaring, everyone was waiting in line and then the race began. Everyone began to run, and I joined in. I kept a slow pace, thinking that I could maintain it for awhile, at least long enough to get in the middle of the pack. How wrong I was. Soon, even with my jog, I was in last place. I wasn't far behind, but I could hardly breathe and my ankles felt like they were going to give at any moment. I don't think I'd even made it the first 1/4 mile. I slowed to a walk and realized that my shins had seized up, both of them, and the cramping was intense. I have never experienced shin splints, but as I've come home and googled my symptoms, I think that was what happened. All I knew, at that moment, was that I couldn't walk without limping. It hurt so bad and I was so cold and I was completely in last place. I could barely even see the other person closest to me, she was that far ahead. I wanted to turn around. Would anyone know if I just sort of snuck back. I mean, I could always say that I had leg cramps and couldn't continue. I thought about sitting down and waiting for awhile or someone to take pity on me and give me a ride back. But, I didn't. I just kept walking/limping. It wasn't my calf muscle, but the muscle in front of my legs and they just felt soooo tight, almost like a charlie horse, but in front.
Soon, the runners in first place had reached the halfway point, turned around and began to pass me. A few of them smiled and said "keep going" or "you're doing great", to which I just smiled, feeling complete and utter humiliation! And I just kept putting one foot in front of the other.
By the time, I reached the halfway point and turned around, I was completely alone. I couldn't even see another run, anywhere. I felt so alone and stupid. I really just felt like a complete idiot for even thinking I could do this. And for reasons, I'm not sure I even comprehend, I began to bawl! The emotions of being so embarrassed and the pain in my legs and my thoughts of autism and how close to home it hits all flooded over into a river of tears that kept me company the rest of the walk! Nothing quite like crossing the finish line, in last place, limping, way behind everyone else, with tear streaked cheeks and swollen eyes. And I paid money for that! LOL!
But, as I walked, I did a lot of thinking. The last five years have been some of the hardest of my entire life. It has been a race I was never prepared for, even if I thought I could handle it with no problem. It has been a road I have taken, mostly alone, or at least that was how it felt on many dark days. Even now, here I was walking for autism, not because my son has autism, but because I almost wish he did so we could fit somewhere and have that support group. Instead, I have so many unknowns. His label is only diagnosed in one other boy in the entire state of Utah. That's lonely! And for the boys who have his same diagnosis, their futures are everything from time in prison to semi-normal and everything in between. I don't know where we fit! It feels lonely!
And if I feel alone on days, I can't imagine how he feels. He understands the world around him, but he can't communicate it to others. He strings together a slur of vowels that I try so hard to understand and when I don't, he gets mad and hits me. It breaks my heart. He just wants us to know what he's thinking and feeling and sometimes, we just don't. That has to be a very lonely road.
Oh, and the humiliation that goes with raising a special needs child, it can be overwhelming sometimes! Just yesterday, I took Sam with me to Abby's program at school. Part way through, he wanted to crawl under my chair and sit. He likes that sometimes, being curled up in a ball under something. It was a good 10 minutes before I realized he had pulled the purse of the woman in front of us and had emptied the contents and was going through it. It took everything within me to pick it up and hand the stuff back to the woman. She kind of smiled, but then I saw the look she exchanged with her daughter, and I knew what she was thinking. This type of judgement is a part of my life now. I live with it every day. I pretend that it doesn't matter, and for the most part, it doesn't, but it still hurts a little! And if I'm not getting those looks, I'm getting looks of pity, which often feel like messages of "you're doing great, but I'm so glad it's you and not me dealing with it." Whether he is running into a neighbors house to hide from me, pooping on a neighbor's yard, or just having a complete meltdown in public, I rarely get to fake my way through life unnoticed! It is way out of my comfort zone!
As I thought of all these things, during my lonely walk, the tears kept flowing! I realized that I may never have a typical looking life! I may never have a beautiful home with wonderful decorations and paintings on the wall and a house that is always clean and smells yummy. I may always feel that I'm running from one disaster to another while trying to squeeze in the needs of 5 other children and play practice and church callings. It may be years before I get a vacation away with just my husband. We talk about it all the time, but it is so impossible with six kids and one who is special needs! I will probably not finish this race of life in any place but last. I imagine I will cross that line way behind everyone else, limping, tired and with swollen eyes! But, I will finish! I will never quit, no matter how hard it is. And I truly believe that in God's eyes, He only cares that we cross that finish line. He doesn't compare us to anyone else, there is no placement in God's kingdom, and that is the greatest comfort of all!
